Silent

What do you share, when do you share it, and who do you share it with?? Do you share it with a total stranger...or someone close?? For me...it's mostly neither. I accept my silence as a part of me. Silence is my alternative to getting lost in my feelings. I'd rather be alone than around people who twist me to be someone I'm not. I'd rather be silent than have someone change my words and put words in my mouth. I don't know that I share much more to anyone these days than I have before. Sure...When I'm happy I'll let you know. When I'm not I'll shrug it off and say I'm fine. Will anyone ever know the difference?? That's when the mask comes in handy. I put it on whenever I want to disquise the truth. Life is one big game of hide and seek. Personally I like to hide...hide in the silence. The silence of being alone. Alone...just me and the air around me. I choose to be silent for it's the only way I ought to be.

Last Letter To Mom

Brenda (mom),

Time has changed...and so have I. I'm not the person I used to be. I don't need to hold on to what I thought I had...what I thought I needed. Those chains are gone. When you left the first time...I should have know what would come. Too young to understand...I was convinced I'd be a mommies girl forever. Little did I know of all the hurt that was to come. Seeing the back of your car as you drove off didn't seem like good-bye. Believing I'd see you again and we'd still belong to each other were the dreams I held on to. I had so much love for you. When I learned I wasn't going to see you again...I held on to everything that reminded me of you. The last night at your house...the smell that remained rolled up in my sleeping bag...Those are the memories I want to keep with me. Why you left...I understand. Why you didn't keep in touch...I don't understand. Why have a kid when all you're gonna do is leave them behind?? Leave them behind so they have to live with a man who wasn't even a dad. Yeah...you tried to prove yourself to be upset with the situation by punching out our windows and leaving threatening messages. Did you think that would get us back?? Did you believe my dad would be able to take care of us?? Or did you not care?? Little did you know he was not capable of being a "dad". Without you around I was left to deal with things on my own. Things a kid of that age should not deal with alone. You heard the rumors...yet you did nothing. You only came around when it was too late. After my dad took all I had away. Where were you when I needed you?? You were out thinking of only yourself going from guy to guy trying to make yourself happy. Only when you were happy did you ever think of anyone else. Left for years in a family whom only knew how to hurt...and not one phone call from you. You moved around so much...was I to have your number?? I was your child. Or did you forget you had one at all?? Barely made it through school. Step-mom wasn't even a mom. Although...she was more of a mom than you ever were. I didn't hear from you til 1998!!!!! Only cause you heard I had been in touch with your family. Yeah...we came out there to visit. But you made me feel uncomfortable. I didn't know you. You didn't know me. You expected to try to make up for lost time. It was too late...You only ever wanted anything to do with me when someone else...like your sister...was in my life. Jealous were you?? By that time I had already had everything taken away from me. My dad had already forced things on me...things that would later make it hard to have relationships and ruin my trust for all. By then I had already been betrayed by my family and gone through things a daughter should not go through. But I couldn't tell you. Didn't want a fake relationship from you. I learned to not need your support. I was making it just fine. I went back home and things were back to the way they were before. Didn't hear from you for years. Kept in touch with your sister though. She seemed interested in being in my life. Even she was more of a mom than you were to me. I sometimes wish you never had me. I was a waste of labor pains and nine months of wondering what I would look like. If I would have your nose and dads ears. How can you call yourself my mom...even now. Yeah...you tried to rescue me from getting kicked out with no where to go. You lied to me and kept things from me until I was there in person. Did you think that you doing drugs wouldn't bother me?? And your so called husband...you would rather be having sex with him...than spending time with me to get to know me better. The whole two weeks I was with you you were not there. You were either gone...or in your room. I thought I may be able to make a better life for myself but little did I know how much our lifestyles would clash. The sound of the words you said when you told me to pack my things stung like a thousand knives. You really didn't care at all did you?? I was left at a bus station with little money and a check from work and no where to turn. Seeing your back turned on me that last time drew the line. I knew then our chance of a relationship was gone. I wanted to try to get close to you...to give you another chance...seeing as we were both adults I thought we could make it work. I wound up back with my dad and his wife...only to find that things hadn't changed. I made excuses to leave the house...even if all I did was ride the bus for hours. I left most of my life back with you...all to be thrown out. You threw me out...as well as my life. Years later...you decided to get in touch...and tell me you wanted to be friends...what did you expect?? Did you expect I was no longer hurt and would come with open arms...all because you said I was right and you were wrong?? I still hurt...deep...from being abandoned by you so many times. I still had wounds...and still do to this day. You hurt me in a big way. I can't say I will want to have a relationship with you again...how do I know you won't turn your back yet again?? But I do know this...I choose to forgive you for everything you have done...and for all the hurt you have caused. I choose to forgive because it's all I can do. Though the pain cuts deep...I still stand. I stand on my own two feet, not yours, nor my dad's. I'm able to take care of myself, and follow my own heart. Our roads are different and go different directions. I do pray...that the final destination will be the same: which is heaven. Until then...I leave you with this, my forgiveness. You can no longer control me by guilt or by feeling sorry for yourself. I have moved on. God controls my life and He will always control it. No one else has that power. I ask for your apologies for anything I may have done. But know that I have just been following my heart and God. And following God is what I will continue to do.

Your biological daughter,

Lisa

FREE!!!!

From behind the prison walls life seemed so content. A daily routine, a place where you were told what to do by the world. It was all you knew. You were blind to the ourtside world. The light was too bright for you to handle, blinding in fact. So you hid, trying to stay in the darkness. Seeing people die everyday became normal to you. More and more people joined you there so you were never alone. Even the "outsiders" had gone to visit you, though you never really heard what it was they had to say. You didn't really care in fact. It was just a bunch of mumbling anyway, for your ears were not open to hear them. You only listened to those amomgst you. Those in the same boat as you cause only they made any sense. You became so immune to your life that you no longer noticed that chains tied around your feet. Taking baby steps, if any stops at all became a way of life. No point in trying to take bigger steps; you weren't going anywhere anytime soon. Especially since you were carring so much baggage. No one was going to help you carry that around. They had their own as well. You were on your own. Although, over time...you got tired of carrying around all that baggage. All the baggage of your past, and your present were begining to wear you down. Not to mention how much the future would hand over to you. If only you had another choice, another road to take. But...that meant you had to change your life...make better choices. Forgiveness had to be given unto those who have done wrong. And surrendering everything had to happen in order to begin anew. You didn't want change...but at the same time...you no longer wanted that baggage. So...you still sat behind your prison walls and watched more and more people die day in and day out. The "outisders" kept coming to visit...but still their words were just mumbling. As much as you wanted to know what they had to say...you just couldn't seem to understand. You listened and concentrated...but got nothing. They began to come around more often. Often you would sit and wonder if they had anything to offer...or if they were just taking up your time. Time you could have used to regret your life. To condemn those who have hurt you. Time that could have been used to add to your chains, as if the ones you had didn't tie you down enough. Could it be that those "outsiders" were just trying to get you out of those chains?? Could they be coming around to show you that there is more to life then just sitting behind prison walls, letting the world tell you what to do?? The next time they came around you decided to actually try and listen to what it was they had to say. There must have been something they needed to share...or else why did they keep coming around?? So, you listened. You gave them your full attention...setting all things aside. They told you that you didn't have to go on living the way you were. They told you that you were loved...and had so much more to live for. But you seemed to not understand. If there was more to life than what you had...why didn't you have it already??? And if someone loved you so much...why wouldn't they just show you already??? They went on saying that some guy whom you didn't even know died for you on a cross?? And that all you had to do was believe in Him to have eternal life. How could that be?? You didn't believe them. No one would die for you. At least you thought. And how could you believe something you never saw?? After they were done sharing with you they left and didn't come back for a period of time. Yet, you never forgot what they had told you. In fact...you couldn't stop thinking about it. "If what they said was true...then why not give it a try?" you thought. There is no hurt in trying, or so you've been told. So the next time they came around you told them that you would give this guy a shot. It was then you found out that His name is Jesus Christ. They lead you through the sinners prayer, yet you didn't expect anything spectacular to happen. But, as you said this prayer your chains began to fall off. You went to grab them to put them back on, but the "outsiders" wouldn't let you. They told you that you would no longer be needing them. That you will no longer be living with chains or behind prison walls. Before you knew it...your baggage was gone as well. Not knowing where it had gone you grew quite excited that it had disappeared. So excited in fact that you began to jump up and down, singing and dancing and giving praise to God whom you just met and gave your life to. If this is what happens when you first meet Him...you wondered...what else could happen after had known Him for a long time. You had decided that this is the life you wanted to live. You stood firm in your decision, and before you knew it...the prison walls were gone, and there was light. But this time it was not blinding, it was quite pleasing and brought you joy. A joy you have never felt before. It was then you realized you had been set free!!! No more chains, no more baggage. You were a new person. And from that day on things were never the same again. YOU were never the same again. That's all because you were born-again and made new. You then became part of the "outsiders", the believers, and decided it was your turn to begin to share the Good News of Jesus to those stuck behind those prison walls as you once were!!!!!!