Friday, January 30, 2009

Last Letter To Mom

Brenda (mom),

Time has changed...and so have I. I'm not the person I used to be. I don't need to hold on to what I thought I had...what I thought I needed. Those chains are gone. When you left the first time...I should have know what would come. Too young to understand...I was convinced I'd be a mommies girl forever. Little did I know of all the hurt that was to come. Seeing the back of your car as you drove off didn't seem like good-bye. Believing I'd see you again and we'd still belong to each other were the dreams I held on to. I had so much love for you. When I learned I wasn't going to see you again...I held on to everything that reminded me of you. The last night at your house...the smell that remained rolled up in my sleeping bag...Those are the memories I want to keep with me. Why you left...I understand. Why you didn't keep in touch...I don't understand. Why have a kid when all you're gonna do is leave them behind?? Leave them behind so they have to live with a man who wasn't even a dad. tried to prove yourself to be upset with the situation by punching out our windows and leaving threatening messages. Did you think that would get us back?? Did you believe my dad would be able to take care of us?? Or did you not care?? Little did you know he was not capable of being a "dad". Without you around I was left to deal with things on my own. Things a kid of that age should not deal with alone. You heard the rumors...yet you did nothing. You only came around when it was too late. After my dad took all I had away. Where were you when I needed you?? You were out thinking of only yourself going from guy to guy trying to make yourself happy. Only when you were happy did you ever think of anyone else. Left for years in a family whom only knew how to hurt...and not one phone call from you. You moved around so much...was I to have your number?? I was your child. Or did you forget you had one at all?? Barely made it through school. Step-mom wasn't even a mom. Although...she was more of a mom than you ever were. I didn't hear from you til 1998!!!!! Only cause you heard I had been in touch with your family. Yeah...we came out there to visit. But you made me feel uncomfortable. I didn't know you. You didn't know me. You expected to try to make up for lost time. It was too late...You only ever wanted anything to do with me when someone your sister...was in my life. Jealous were you?? By that time I had already had everything taken away from me. My dad had already forced things on me...things that would later make it hard to have relationships and ruin my trust for all. By then I had already been betrayed by my family and gone through things a daughter should not go through. But I couldn't tell you. Didn't want a fake relationship from you. I learned to not need your support. I was making it just fine. I went back home and things were back to the way they were before. Didn't hear from you for years. Kept in touch with your sister though. She seemed interested in being in my life. Even she was more of a mom than you were to me. I sometimes wish you never had me. I was a waste of labor pains and nine months of wondering what I would look like. If I would have your nose and dads ears. How can you call yourself my mom...even now. tried to rescue me from getting kicked out with no where to go. You lied to me and kept things from me until I was there in person. Did you think that you doing drugs wouldn't bother me?? And your so called would rather be having sex with him...than spending time with me to get to know me better. The whole two weeks I was with you you were not there. You were either gone...or in your room. I thought I may be able to make a better life for myself but little did I know how much our lifestyles would clash. The sound of the words you said when you told me to pack my things stung like a thousand knives. You really didn't care at all did you?? I was left at a bus station with little money and a check from work and no where to turn. Seeing your back turned on me that last time drew the line. I knew then our chance of a relationship was gone. I wanted to try to get close to give you another chance...seeing as we were both adults I thought we could make it work. I wound up back with my dad and his wife...only to find that things hadn't changed. I made excuses to leave the house...even if all I did was ride the bus for hours. I left most of my life back with you...all to be thrown out. You threw me well as my life. Years decided to get in touch...and tell me you wanted to be friends...what did you expect?? Did you expect I was no longer hurt and would come with open arms...all because you said I was right and you were wrong?? I still hurt...deep...from being abandoned by you so many times. I still had wounds...and still do to this day. You hurt me in a big way. I can't say I will want to have a relationship with you do I know you won't turn your back yet again?? But I do know this...I choose to forgive you for everything you have done...and for all the hurt you have caused. I choose to forgive because it's all I can do. Though the pain cuts deep...I still stand. I stand on my own two feet, not yours, nor my dad's. I'm able to take care of myself, and follow my own heart. Our roads are different and go different directions. I do pray...that the final destination will be the same: which is heaven. Until then...I leave you with this, my forgiveness. You can no longer control me by guilt or by feeling sorry for yourself. I have moved on. God controls my life and He will always control it. No one else has that power. I ask for your apologies for anything I may have done. But know that I have just been following my heart and God. And following God is what I will continue to do.
Your biological daughter,

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