Tuesday, December 30, 2008


I can see the rain falling...yet I cannot feel it on my head. I can see the sun shining...yet I cannot feel its warmth. I can see the snow...but do not feel the coolness to the touch. I can see the smile on my face...yet I do not feel the happiness it should bring. I can hear my laugh...yet it brings me no joy. I feel numb, inside and out...as though someone had shot Novocain all over my body and soul. In my heart, my mind, my soul, and my emotions. I feel nothing...no joy...no happiness...no sadness...no excitement. Nothing. I once thought I was getting somewhere, but things seem to be going back. "Fight back" people tell me. If only I had the strength. I am tied down. Tied down by chains. Hundreds of them. They have me at my feet, my arms, my heart, my soul, and my mind. I have no feelings. Maybe I don't need to feel. Feelings bring pain, hurt, resentment, loneliness, hopelessness, and rejection. Guess not feeling anything is for the better. Although I am told that I need to be able to feel. I need to be in tune with my feelings. I don't always want to know my feelings. I still cry out to God for answers. For anything He is willing to give me. I lay in bed....waiting....still waiting...waiting for some kind of answer. Nothing. Not even a friend to talk to. Maybe my ears have been closed enough so I can't hear. Maybe there is nothing to hear anyway. Maybe I will just be left alone. By myself to figure things out. Alone to get better. I feel as though maybe I do need to feel something though. Maybe if I MAKE myself feel something I will begin to come out of what I'm in. Maybe I will then be able to feel again. Feel the rain on my face, the sun on my skin, the coolness of the snow, the happiness from my smile. Maybe one day...I will be able to hear God again, and know that it is really Him...and not just another voice in my head. Maybe one day I will no longer be numb to the world. Who knows, feeling things may not be all that bad. Feeling the chains fall off again. Feeling the Lord's presence in the room again. Feeling the love of those around me. I guess being numb isn't what it's made out to be, and feelings are highly underrated. One day...one day I will be able to feel again. I believe it will be good. I will again know what life is all about....until that day comes...I will fight being numb.


I have nothing encouraging to write...nothing....All I have are blank stares into nothing. I feel....empty. Christmas is right around the corner....so I'm supposed to be happy and full of joy right??? So why aren't I??? Why aren't I excited and full of excitement??? Why I do feel empty inside. As though someone has come and taken everything I had left. I'd like to lie and say I'm happy and excited about Christmas...But I'm not. I don't do well with holidays. Don't have any good memories of any either. People tell me it's time to start making them. As that is all good and true....I'm not sure how to go about doing that. How do you make new "good" memories when you have no one to make them with?? My Christmas' are spent at home, by myself.....watching T. V. hoping to only catch the news and not some holiday movie where a family lovingly celebrates Christmas. I want to be full of joy. I know they say you are as happy as you want to be. I want to be. I long to be....but am not. People want me to talk about my feelings...but they don't want to take the time to listen. Christmas to me...well....it is about Jesus. But...I do have to ask Him why I feel alone. Why??? I don't want to go to my family...that will only bring back bad memories...memories of hurts I don't want to relive. Memories of abuse...sexual, physical, emotional, and verbal. Memories of being mocked...made fun of...compared to.......left behind. I want so badly to start my own traditions....and my own memories...but I have no where to start. No one to share them with. My heart aches as I sit here and type this out. My heart is broken. I have waterfalls falling from my eyes. I can wear a mask pretty well and make everyone believe everything is alright....deep down inside my soul though....I know they're not. I won't talk about feelings....it only turns people away. It's not what they want to hear. It's not what I want to hear...but if someone needed someone to talk to...I'm all ears. I've had temptations and thoughts of suicide today. I know that's not Godly...or the Christian thing to do. Maybe...just maybe I don't "really" have God in my heart. If I did I probably wouldn't feel this lonely and hurt. I wouldn't be so broken inside. I truly wonder why I've been put on this earth. To be betrayed by the very parents who brought me here....to be alone and without friends....To be abused by my own father. I sometimes still have a hard time trusting God as myfather. Maybe that's my problem. I need to get over myself!!!! I NEED TO STOP THINKING ABOUT ME!!!!!!!! I NEED TO ONLY THINK ABOUT OTHERS!!!!!!!! I NEED TO TRUST!!!!!! BUT WHO????? I COULDN'T EVEN TRUST MY DAD....NOR MY MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW DO YOU TRUST???? I WANT TO BE HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TRULY HAPPY!!! NOT JUST THE HALFWAY HAPPY THAT I'VE BEEN FOR SO LONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LORD.....PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I NEED YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!! I NEED YOU TO FILL THE EMPTINESS WITHIN ME!!!!! I WANT TO FEEL YOUR TOUCH TO KNOW YOU'RE THERE!!!!!! REMIND ME LORD!!!! REMIND ME OF WHO YOU ARE. PLEASE...........I CAN'T GO ON LIKE THIS ANYMORE!!!!!! I'M ON MY KNEES......PLEASE LORD.....I WANT TO SEE YOU!!!!!!!!!! I'M SORRY I HAVE DISAPPOINTED YOU!!!! I'M NOT WORTHY OF YOUR LOVE LORD BUT I HOPE YOU'LL GIVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE. A CHANCE TO MAKE IT RIGHT!!! A CHANCE TO START AGAIN!!!!! LORD.......I NEED YOU.........................................I NEED YOU!

Jacket of Life

Ever tried to face a river?? A rushing river?? Ever tried to stand in one without getting knocked off your feet?? Hard to do huh?? Life can be like that rushing river. Flowing ever so quickly...out of control...once in a while turning into waterfalls...leaving you further down than you anticipated you'd be. Life can also be cold...like the tempurature of the water. Numbing to the touch. Must make yourself numb before you can begin to swim. Sometimes in life we feel we need to make ourselves numb before we can go on. We experience things that leave us mounded...wounded beyond healing...leaving behind a scar. So we become numb to emotions in order to deal...in order to continue on. Without a life jacket this river can possibly be fatal. Taking sharp turns...with no warning for what lies ahead. Life is the same way. We need a life jacket to get us through the hard times. The times when we think we are going to drown in sorrow and pain. When we think we've gone down with the waterfall and may never come back up. I'm still riding this river. This river of life. I'm learning that in life God is our life jacket. It's not something to put on our arms or around our chest. It's not something we sit on, and yet all these promise they will keep us afloat. It's something we put in our hearts. With God as our life jacket we will get through this river of life. Yes...we will still face sharp turns...take hits...and get knocked off our feet. But with God we will make it through. He comes with a lifetime guarantee. He will help us from getting caught. He will clean us off and make us pure if we happen to fall. He will heal our scrapes and wounds from the rocks below and make us whole again. As I am still in this river I cry out and remind God that Psalm 3:3 says, "But You O Lord are a shield around me, my glory, and the one who lifts my head high." I ask Him to be my life jacket. To rescue me from this rushing river which I've gotten myself into. He is the only hope I have left and I know He won't disappoint me.

Monday, December 29, 2008

The Heart Within

Two steps forward one step back...so they say...One step forward and it's back to the beginning for me. One minute happy, higher than a bird will soar, higher than a plane can fly...then one minute as low as one can get. Lower than the soles of one's shoes. Down in the depths of despair without any warning. No explanation, though one would like to have one. An argument, an offense, a failure even. Jumping from high to low within seconds. Faster than one can imagine, faster than the speed of light, going from one world of emotion into the next. Which emotion is real?? The one higher than the clouds?? Or the one beneath the sea?? Could be they both serve a purpose. One used to cover up the other. Layering the heart so that nothing else can get in, so that not everything inside can be seen. Each layer stronger than the one before, making it more difficult to get through. Afraid the layers will be removed and the pain will be unbearable...exposed...wounds being ripped open after being closed for so long. Rather than removing layers...more continue to be added in hopes to stay at a high. A high that shows happiness...that shows nothing that's underneath. Yet this high only lasts for moments...I cherish them as though they were the last time they'd be felt. Lasting only moments until dashing down into the depths of despair...saddness...and isolation.

Saturday, December 20, 2008


Chained down by the anger, hurt, hate, and rebellion that's been boiling up within me. Years of fear have held me back. Never learned to accept. For nothing was there to receive. Relied on myself for comfort and reassurance. Turned to myself for help and direction. Never did learn love. Couldn't find it within myself...never did find it in the ones around me...my loved ones. I found comfort in the little things. I turned to pills and blades to bring relief. Seemed like the thing to do. Love to me was hurtful, heartbreaking, and came in the form of abuse. Abuse, rejection, and abandonment. Isolation became my best friend. The only thing that understood me. The only thing that listened or even cared. Anything else would have just mocked me...tell me to get over it...convince me it's not true. My feelings were made up. Who could really know for sure?? Just me. Longed to be held. To be loved. Wanted. Just open ended dreams. I knew she wasn't coming back for me. She left without looking back. A phone call or two is all I would get of her. Nothing more. I'd only dream of her. Dream of shopping trips, movie nights. Dream of feeling the love that mothers and daughters share. Never had had that feeling I never learn to accept it. My dream only turned into abandonment and rejection. Love to me was something I longed for but didn't want to accept. Fear filled my heart as others reached out. Anger pushed them away as I continued to push them away. Never had it...never wanted it. They didn't deserve to give it to me...for they were not the mom I never had. If they were...they would wind up abandoning me in the end. Not willing to take their love they moved on as well as I. I moved on living a lonely life. A life that became comfortable to me. Some say I am being rebellious. How can that be? What is rebellion anyway? Tattoos?? Piercing?? Doing what you shouldn't? How's this?
Rebellion: Open, armed, and organized resistance to a constituted government.
An act or a show of defiance toward an authority or established convention.
Could that be me?? What exactly does that mean anyway? A show of defiance toward an authority or established convention?? Would refusing love from someone, particularly an older lady, because they aren't my mom be considered rebellion?? Punishing them for my not getting what I longed for and needed. Confusion and bitterness consume me as others reach out. As they extend their hearts toward me with love. Though I long for it...need it...I can't seem to accept it. As though it's a disease I turn it away and eventually push those hearts away. My heart hardens and I become alone...left to again take care of myself. To turn to myself for help and comfort. To begin to wish all over again I had someone to love me not remembering those who already tried. Rebellion is what is within me. Control is what I am trying to take control of. Controlling the amount of love I receive and let people give. Their love doesn't seem enough. It's the most love I've ever had...yet I want something else...something more. Something I know I'll never have. The love of my own mother. Hate comes forth when I think of her name. When I think of the times we shared. Times not filled with happy memories. But times of seeing her back as she left. Her love I will never feel. Her love...the love I long for...is only a dream. A dream. The love in others...reality. A reality I can't seem to believe is real. This rebellion inside leaves me empty and alone. Seems the thing to do...the way to be...seems natural. Comfortable. Guess love from others just isn't the same. How would I know anyway?? Haven't had any other kind. I long to accept love...to have people to call my family...to know what love feels like. Though I'm chained, I desire to be free. To no longer need to always rely on myself for comfort and help. To draw people near and not push away. How?? How does one change?? How does one let go of control and let others in?? Will it take another 25 years to get away from this rebellion I've been living under?? No longer wanting to be alone I pray for the steps of change. If I've been rejecting all these others...have I rejected God????????

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Am I At The End??

Alone...afraid...confused...hopeless...lost. Like traveling down an unknown path. No one you know...roads you've never seen...dead ends at every corner. No map...no phone...no sign of relief. Reflief of all the pain you have been feeling. A new start...people tell you...it's what you need. A new start...you find...is the thing that got you where you are. Leaving your life behind felt good to begin with. Leaving those who judge...those who don't accept...those who don't accept. Those who want for themselves and give nothing of theirselves. Stepping out on the limb seemed adventerous...not you. Seemed like the best thing to do. Stepping out on that limb got you in a place you cannot walk alone. No one out here understands you. You put on a mask to hide yourself. You keep your feelings in and fake happiness to fit in. The more you fake it...the more the pain kills you on the inside. You push forward to prove that you are more than people believe you to be. You seek happiness in therapy, meds, sleep, and work. Things to keep your mind working on the outside so that the things on the inside don't have the chance to move. But the more you move things on the outside the more the things on the inside build up. Move on they said...a new start they convinced...You did...things remained the same. Empty...alone...hopeless...confused...afraid...lost. Maybe you have reached your dead end. Nothing has worked...you've gone no where...every cross you see makes you wish it was yours. You question yourself if there could be more...as you've wondered all your life. If there is something out there worth while...or is this the end??? Will that cross be yours next??? Or do you still have something to live for???