Saturday, January 31, 2009


What do you share, when do you share it, and who do you share it with?? Do you share it with a total stranger...or someone close?? For's mostly neither. I accept my silence as a part of me. Silence is my alternative to getting lost in my feelings. I'd rather be alone than around people who twist me to be someone I'm not. I'd rather be silent than have someone change my words and put words in my mouth. I don't know that I share much more to anyone these days than I have before. Sure...When I'm happy I'll let you know. When I'm not I'll shrug it off and say I'm fine. Will anyone ever know the difference?? That's when the mask comes in handy. I put it on whenever I want to disquise the truth. Life is one big game of hide and seek. Personally I like to hide...hide in the silence. The silence of being alone. Alone...just me and the air around me. I choose to be silent for it's the only way I ought to be.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Last Letter To Mom

Brenda (mom),

Time has changed...and so have I. I'm not the person I used to be. I don't need to hold on to what I thought I had...what I thought I needed. Those chains are gone. When you left the first time...I should have know what would come. Too young to understand...I was convinced I'd be a mommies girl forever. Little did I know of all the hurt that was to come. Seeing the back of your car as you drove off didn't seem like good-bye. Believing I'd see you again and we'd still belong to each other were the dreams I held on to. I had so much love for you. When I learned I wasn't going to see you again...I held on to everything that reminded me of you. The last night at your house...the smell that remained rolled up in my sleeping bag...Those are the memories I want to keep with me. Why you left...I understand. Why you didn't keep in touch...I don't understand. Why have a kid when all you're gonna do is leave them behind?? Leave them behind so they have to live with a man who wasn't even a dad. tried to prove yourself to be upset with the situation by punching out our windows and leaving threatening messages. Did you think that would get us back?? Did you believe my dad would be able to take care of us?? Or did you not care?? Little did you know he was not capable of being a "dad". Without you around I was left to deal with things on my own. Things a kid of that age should not deal with alone. You heard the rumors...yet you did nothing. You only came around when it was too late. After my dad took all I had away. Where were you when I needed you?? You were out thinking of only yourself going from guy to guy trying to make yourself happy. Only when you were happy did you ever think of anyone else. Left for years in a family whom only knew how to hurt...and not one phone call from you. You moved around so much...was I to have your number?? I was your child. Or did you forget you had one at all?? Barely made it through school. Step-mom wasn't even a mom. Although...she was more of a mom than you ever were. I didn't hear from you til 1998!!!!! Only cause you heard I had been in touch with your family. Yeah...we came out there to visit. But you made me feel uncomfortable. I didn't know you. You didn't know me. You expected to try to make up for lost time. It was too late...You only ever wanted anything to do with me when someone your sister...was in my life. Jealous were you?? By that time I had already had everything taken away from me. My dad had already forced things on me...things that would later make it hard to have relationships and ruin my trust for all. By then I had already been betrayed by my family and gone through things a daughter should not go through. But I couldn't tell you. Didn't want a fake relationship from you. I learned to not need your support. I was making it just fine. I went back home and things were back to the way they were before. Didn't hear from you for years. Kept in touch with your sister though. She seemed interested in being in my life. Even she was more of a mom than you were to me. I sometimes wish you never had me. I was a waste of labor pains and nine months of wondering what I would look like. If I would have your nose and dads ears. How can you call yourself my mom...even now. tried to rescue me from getting kicked out with no where to go. You lied to me and kept things from me until I was there in person. Did you think that you doing drugs wouldn't bother me?? And your so called would rather be having sex with him...than spending time with me to get to know me better. The whole two weeks I was with you you were not there. You were either gone...or in your room. I thought I may be able to make a better life for myself but little did I know how much our lifestyles would clash. The sound of the words you said when you told me to pack my things stung like a thousand knives. You really didn't care at all did you?? I was left at a bus station with little money and a check from work and no where to turn. Seeing your back turned on me that last time drew the line. I knew then our chance of a relationship was gone. I wanted to try to get close to give you another chance...seeing as we were both adults I thought we could make it work. I wound up back with my dad and his wife...only to find that things hadn't changed. I made excuses to leave the house...even if all I did was ride the bus for hours. I left most of my life back with you...all to be thrown out. You threw me well as my life. Years decided to get in touch...and tell me you wanted to be friends...what did you expect?? Did you expect I was no longer hurt and would come with open arms...all because you said I was right and you were wrong?? I still hurt...deep...from being abandoned by you so many times. I still had wounds...and still do to this day. You hurt me in a big way. I can't say I will want to have a relationship with you do I know you won't turn your back yet again?? But I do know this...I choose to forgive you for everything you have done...and for all the hurt you have caused. I choose to forgive because it's all I can do. Though the pain cuts deep...I still stand. I stand on my own two feet, not yours, nor my dad's. I'm able to take care of myself, and follow my own heart. Our roads are different and go different directions. I do pray...that the final destination will be the same: which is heaven. Until then...I leave you with this, my forgiveness. You can no longer control me by guilt or by feeling sorry for yourself. I have moved on. God controls my life and He will always control it. No one else has that power. I ask for your apologies for anything I may have done. But know that I have just been following my heart and God. And following God is what I will continue to do.
Your biological daughter,

Wednesday, January 28, 2009


From behind the prison walls life seemed so content. A daily routine, a place where you were told what to do by the world. It was all you knew. You were blind to the ourtside world. The light was too bright for you to handle, blinding in fact. So you hid, trying to stay in the darkness. Seeing people die everyday became normal to you. More and more people joined you there so you were never alone. Even the "outsiders" had gone to visit you, though you never really heard what it was they had to say. You didn't really care in fact. It was just a bunch of mumbling anyway, for your ears were not open to hear them. You only listened to those amomgst you. Those in the same boat as you cause only they made any sense. You became so immune to your life that you no longer noticed that chains tied around your feet. Taking baby steps, if any stops at all became a way of life. No point in trying to take bigger steps; you weren't going anywhere anytime soon. Especially since you were carring so much baggage. No one was going to help you carry that around. They had their own as well. You were on your own. Although, over got tired of carrying around all that baggage. All the baggage of your past, and your present were begining to wear you down. Not to mention how much the future would hand over to you. If only you had another choice, another road to take. But...that meant you had to change your life...make better choices. Forgiveness had to be given unto those who have done wrong. And surrendering everything had to happen in order to begin anew. You didn't want change...but at the same no longer wanted that baggage. still sat behind your prison walls and watched more and more people die day in and day out. The "outisders" kept coming to visit...but still their words were just mumbling. As much as you wanted to know what they had to just couldn't seem to understand. You listened and concentrated...but got nothing. They began to come around more often. Often you would sit and wonder if they had anything to offer...or if they were just taking up your time. Time you could have used to regret your life. To condemn those who have hurt you. Time that could have been used to add to your chains, as if the ones you had didn't tie you down enough. Could it be that those "outsiders" were just trying to get you out of those chains?? Could they be coming around to show you that there is more to life then just sitting behind prison walls, letting the world tell you what to do?? The next time they came around you decided to actually try and listen to what it was they had to say. There must have been something they needed to share...or else why did they keep coming around?? So, you listened. You gave them your full attention...setting all things aside. They told you that you didn't have to go on living the way you were. They told you that you were loved...and had so much more to live for. But you seemed to not understand. If there was more to life than what you had...why didn't you have it already??? And if someone loved you so much...why wouldn't they just show you already??? They went on saying that some guy whom you didn't even know died for you on a cross?? And that all you had to do was believe in Him to have eternal life. How could that be?? You didn't believe them. No one would die for you. At least you thought. And how could you believe something you never saw?? After they were done sharing with you they left and didn't come back for a period of time. Yet, you never forgot what they had told you. In couldn't stop thinking about it. "If what they said was true...then why not give it a try?" you thought. There is no hurt in trying, or so you've been told. So the next time they came around you told them that you would give this guy a shot. It was then you found out that His name is Jesus Christ. They lead you through the sinners prayer, yet you didn't expect anything spectacular to happen. But, as you said this prayer your chains began to fall off. You went to grab them to put them back on, but the "outsiders" wouldn't let you. They told you that you would no longer be needing them. That you will no longer be living with chains or behind prison walls. Before you knew it...your baggage was gone as well. Not knowing where it had gone you grew quite excited that it had disappeared. So excited in fact that you began to jump up and down, singing and dancing and giving praise to God whom you just met and gave your life to. If this is what happens when you first meet wondered...what else could happen after had known Him for a long time. You had decided that this is the life you wanted to live. You stood firm in your decision, and before you knew it...the prison walls were gone, and there was light. But this time it was not blinding, it was quite pleasing and brought you joy. A joy you have never felt before. It was then you realized you had been set free!!! No more chains, no more baggage. You were a new person. And from that day on things were never the same again. YOU were never the same again. That's all because you were born-again and made new. You then became part of the "outsiders", the believers, and decided it was your turn to begin to share the Good News of Jesus to those stuck behind those prison walls as you once were!!!!!!

Tuesday, December 30, 2008


I can see the rain falling...yet I cannot feel it on my head. I can see the sun shining...yet I cannot feel its warmth. I can see the snow...but do not feel the coolness to the touch. I can see the smile on my face...yet I do not feel the happiness it should bring. I can hear my laugh...yet it brings me no joy. I feel numb, inside and though someone had shot Novocain all over my body and soul. In my heart, my mind, my soul, and my emotions. I feel excitement. Nothing. I once thought I was getting somewhere, but things seem to be going back. "Fight back" people tell me. If only I had the strength. I am tied down. Tied down by chains. Hundreds of them. They have me at my feet, my arms, my heart, my soul, and my mind. I have no feelings. Maybe I don't need to feel. Feelings bring pain, hurt, resentment, loneliness, hopelessness, and rejection. Guess not feeling anything is for the better. Although I am told that I need to be able to feel. I need to be in tune with my feelings. I don't always want to know my feelings. I still cry out to God for answers. For anything He is willing to give me. I lay in bed....waiting....still waiting...waiting for some kind of answer. Nothing. Not even a friend to talk to. Maybe my ears have been closed enough so I can't hear. Maybe there is nothing to hear anyway. Maybe I will just be left alone. By myself to figure things out. Alone to get better. I feel as though maybe I do need to feel something though. Maybe if I MAKE myself feel something I will begin to come out of what I'm in. Maybe I will then be able to feel again. Feel the rain on my face, the sun on my skin, the coolness of the snow, the happiness from my smile. Maybe one day...I will be able to hear God again, and know that it is really Him...and not just another voice in my head. Maybe one day I will no longer be numb to the world. Who knows, feeling things may not be all that bad. Feeling the chains fall off again. Feeling the Lord's presence in the room again. Feeling the love of those around me. I guess being numb isn't what it's made out to be, and feelings are highly underrated. One day I will be able to feel again. I believe it will be good. I will again know what life is all about....until that day comes...I will fight being numb.


I have nothing encouraging to write...nothing....All I have are blank stares into nothing. I feel....empty. Christmas is right around the I'm supposed to be happy and full of joy right??? So why aren't I??? Why aren't I excited and full of excitement??? Why I do feel empty inside. As though someone has come and taken everything I had left. I'd like to lie and say I'm happy and excited about Christmas...But I'm not. I don't do well with holidays. Don't have any good memories of any either. People tell me it's time to start making them. As that is all good and true....I'm not sure how to go about doing that. How do you make new "good" memories when you have no one to make them with?? My Christmas' are spent at home, by myself.....watching T. V. hoping to only catch the news and not some holiday movie where a family lovingly celebrates Christmas. I want to be full of joy. I know they say you are as happy as you want to be. I want to be. I long to be....but am not. People want me to talk about my feelings...but they don't want to take the time to listen. Christmas to is about Jesus. But...I do have to ask Him why I feel alone. Why??? I don't want to go to my family...that will only bring back bad memories...memories of hurts I don't want to relive. Memories of abuse...sexual, physical, emotional, and verbal. Memories of being mocked...made fun of...compared to.......left behind. I want so badly to start my own traditions....and my own memories...but I have no where to start. No one to share them with. My heart aches as I sit here and type this out. My heart is broken. I have waterfalls falling from my eyes. I can wear a mask pretty well and make everyone believe everything is alright....deep down inside my soul though....I know they're not. I won't talk about only turns people away. It's not what they want to hear. It's not what I want to hear...but if someone needed someone to talk to...I'm all ears. I've had temptations and thoughts of suicide today. I know that's not Godly...or the Christian thing to do. Maybe...just maybe I don't "really" have God in my heart. If I did I probably wouldn't feel this lonely and hurt. I wouldn't be so broken inside. I truly wonder why I've been put on this earth. To be betrayed by the very parents who brought me be alone and without friends....To be abused by my own father. I sometimes still have a hard time trusting God as myfather. Maybe that's my problem. I need to get over myself!!!! I NEED TO STOP THINKING ABOUT ME!!!!!!!! I NEED TO ONLY THINK ABOUT OTHERS!!!!!!!! I NEED TO TRUST!!!!!! BUT WHO????? I COULDN'T EVEN TRUST MY DAD....NOR MY MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW DO YOU TRUST???? I WANT TO BE HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TRULY HAPPY!!! NOT JUST THE HALFWAY HAPPY THAT I'VE BEEN FOR SO LONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LORD.....PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I NEED YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!! I NEED YOU TO FILL THE EMPTINESS WITHIN ME!!!!! I WANT TO FEEL YOUR TOUCH TO KNOW YOU'RE THERE!!!!!! REMIND ME LORD!!!! REMIND ME OF WHO YOU ARE. PLEASE...........I CAN'T GO ON LIKE THIS ANYMORE!!!!!! I'M ON MY KNEES......PLEASE LORD.....I WANT TO SEE YOU!!!!!!!!!! I'M SORRY I HAVE DISAPPOINTED YOU!!!! I'M NOT WORTHY OF YOUR LOVE LORD BUT I HOPE YOU'LL GIVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE. A CHANCE TO MAKE IT RIGHT!!! A CHANCE TO START AGAIN!!!!! LORD.......I NEED YOU.........................................I NEED YOU!

Jacket of Life

Ever tried to face a river?? A rushing river?? Ever tried to stand in one without getting knocked off your feet?? Hard to do huh?? Life can be like that rushing river. Flowing ever so quickly...out of control...once in a while turning into waterfalls...leaving you further down than you anticipated you'd be. Life can also be the tempurature of the water. Numbing to the touch. Must make yourself numb before you can begin to swim. Sometimes in life we feel we need to make ourselves numb before we can go on. We experience things that leave us mounded...wounded beyond healing...leaving behind a scar. So we become numb to emotions in order to order to continue on. Without a life jacket this river can possibly be fatal. Taking sharp turns...with no warning for what lies ahead. Life is the same way. We need a life jacket to get us through the hard times. The times when we think we are going to drown in sorrow and pain. When we think we've gone down with the waterfall and may never come back up. I'm still riding this river. This river of life. I'm learning that in life God is our life jacket. It's not something to put on our arms or around our chest. It's not something we sit on, and yet all these promise they will keep us afloat. It's something we put in our hearts. With God as our life jacket we will get through this river of life. Yes...we will still face sharp turns...take hits...and get knocked off our feet. But with God we will make it through. He comes with a lifetime guarantee. He will help us from getting caught. He will clean us off and make us pure if we happen to fall. He will heal our scrapes and wounds from the rocks below and make us whole again. As I am still in this river I cry out and remind God that Psalm 3:3 says, "But You O Lord are a shield around me, my glory, and the one who lifts my head high." I ask Him to be my life jacket. To rescue me from this rushing river which I've gotten myself into. He is the only hope I have left and I know He won't disappoint me.

Monday, December 29, 2008

The Heart Within

Two steps forward one step they say...One step forward and it's back to the beginning for me. One minute happy, higher than a bird will soar, higher than a plane can fly...then one minute as low as one can get. Lower than the soles of one's shoes. Down in the depths of despair without any warning. No explanation, though one would like to have one. An argument, an offense, a failure even. Jumping from high to low within seconds. Faster than one can imagine, faster than the speed of light, going from one world of emotion into the next. Which emotion is real?? The one higher than the clouds?? Or the one beneath the sea?? Could be they both serve a purpose. One used to cover up the other. Layering the heart so that nothing else can get in, so that not everything inside can be seen. Each layer stronger than the one before, making it more difficult to get through. Afraid the layers will be removed and the pain will be being ripped open after being closed for so long. Rather than removing layers...more continue to be added in hopes to stay at a high. A high that shows happiness...that shows nothing that's underneath. Yet this high only lasts for moments...I cherish them as though they were the last time they'd be felt. Lasting only moments until dashing down into the depths of despair...saddness...and isolation.