Tuesday, December 30, 2008


I can see the rain falling...yet I cannot feel it on my head. I can see the sun shining...yet I cannot feel its warmth. I can see the snow...but do not feel the coolness to the touch. I can see the smile on my face...yet I do not feel the happiness it should bring. I can hear my laugh...yet it brings me no joy. I feel numb, inside and out...as though someone had shot Novocain all over my body and soul. In my heart, my mind, my soul, and my emotions. I feel nothing...no joy...no happiness...no sadness...no excitement. Nothing. I once thought I was getting somewhere, but things seem to be going back. "Fight back" people tell me. If only I had the strength. I am tied down. Tied down by chains. Hundreds of them. They have me at my feet, my arms, my heart, my soul, and my mind. I have no feelings. Maybe I don't need to feel. Feelings bring pain, hurt, resentment, loneliness, hopelessness, and rejection. Guess not feeling anything is for the better. Although I am told that I need to be able to feel. I need to be in tune with my feelings. I don't always want to know my feelings. I still cry out to God for answers. For anything He is willing to give me. I lay in bed....waiting....still waiting...waiting for some kind of answer. Nothing. Not even a friend to talk to. Maybe my ears have been closed enough so I can't hear. Maybe there is nothing to hear anyway. Maybe I will just be left alone. By myself to figure things out. Alone to get better. I feel as though maybe I do need to feel something though. Maybe if I MAKE myself feel something I will begin to come out of what I'm in. Maybe I will then be able to feel again. Feel the rain on my face, the sun on my skin, the coolness of the snow, the happiness from my smile. Maybe one day...I will be able to hear God again, and know that it is really Him...and not just another voice in my head. Maybe one day I will no longer be numb to the world. Who knows, feeling things may not be all that bad. Feeling the chains fall off again. Feeling the Lord's presence in the room again. Feeling the love of those around me. I guess being numb isn't what it's made out to be, and feelings are highly underrated. One day...one day I will be able to feel again. I believe it will be good. I will again know what life is all about....until that day comes...I will fight being numb.

1 comment:

  1. You are so brave, so strong. Much more than you ever realize. You are on my mind and in my prayers.