Chained down by the anger, hurt, hate, and rebellion that's been boiling up within me. Years of fear have held me back. Never learned to accept. For nothing was there to receive. Relied on myself for comfort and reassurance. Turned to myself for help and direction. Never did learn love. Couldn't find it within myself...never did find it in the ones around me...my loved ones. I found comfort in the little things. I turned to pills and blades to bring relief. Seemed like the thing to do. Love to me was hurtful, heartbreaking, and came in the form of abuse. Abuse, rejection, and abandonment. Isolation became my best friend. The only thing that understood me. The only thing that listened or even cared. Anything else would have just mocked me...tell me to get over it...convince me it's not true. My feelings were made up. Who could really know for sure?? Just me. Longed to be held. To be loved. Wanted. Just open ended dreams. I knew she wasn't coming back for me. She left without looking back. A phone call or two is all I would get of her. Nothing more. I'd only dream of her. Dream of shopping trips, movie nights. Dream of feeling the love that mothers and daughters share. Never had had that feeling I never learn to accept it. My dream only turned into abandonment and rejection. Love to me was something I longed for but didn't want to accept. Fear filled my heart as others reached out. Anger pushed them away as I continued to push them away. Never had it...never wanted it. They didn't deserve to give it to me...for they were not the mom I never had. If they were...they would wind up abandoning me in the end. Not willing to take their love they moved on as well as I. I moved on living a lonely life. A life that became comfortable to me. Some say I am being rebellious. How can that be? What is rebellion anyway? Tattoos?? Piercing?? Doing what you shouldn't? How's this?
Rebellion: Open, armed, and organized resistance to a constituted government.
An act or a show of defiance toward an authority or established convention.
Could that be me?? What exactly does that mean anyway? A show of defiance toward an authority or established convention?? Would refusing love from someone, particularly an older lady, because they aren't my mom be considered rebellion?? Punishing them for my not getting what I longed for and needed. Confusion and bitterness consume me as others reach out. As they extend their hearts toward me with love. Though I long for it...need it...I can't seem to accept it. As though it's a disease I turn it away and eventually push those hearts away. My heart hardens and I become alone...left to again take care of myself. To turn to myself for help and comfort. To begin to wish all over again I had someone to love me not remembering those who already tried. Rebellion is what is within me. Control is what I am trying to take control of. Controlling the amount of love I receive and let people give. Their love doesn't seem enough. It's the most love I've ever had...yet I want something else...something more. Something I know I'll never have. The love of my own mother. Hate comes forth when I think of her name. When I think of the times we shared. Times not filled with happy memories. But times of seeing her back as she left. Her love I will never feel. Her love...the love I long for...is only a dream. A dream. The love in others...reality. A reality I can't seem to believe is real. This rebellion inside leaves me empty and alone. Seems the thing to do...the way to be...seems natural. Comfortable. Guess love from others just isn't the same. How would I know anyway?? Haven't had any other kind. I long to accept love...to have people to call my family...to know what love feels like. Though I'm chained, I desire to be free. To no longer need to always rely on myself for comfort and help. To draw people near and not push away. How?? How does one change?? How does one let go of control and let others in?? Will it take another 25 years to get away from this rebellion I've been living under?? No longer wanting to be alone I pray for the steps of change. If I've been rejecting all these others...have I rejected God????????
God bless you dear, sweet Lisa. No child should have to go through the things you have gone through. All I can say is the woman who was your mother doesn't know what she missed. It's sad but true that folks can have children even if they are not emotional or mentally ready for them. As to God, He has not been referred to as the Hound of Heaven for nothing. And if once you give your heart to Him nothing can snatch it back. Wonderful thing about Him is that he can see through the smoke screen and illusions we try to create. And no truth He knows about us can stop Him from loving us.
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