Tuesday, December 30, 2008


I have nothing encouraging to write...nothing....All I have are blank stares into nothing. I feel....empty. Christmas is right around the corner....so I'm supposed to be happy and full of joy right??? So why aren't I??? Why aren't I excited and full of excitement??? Why I do feel empty inside. As though someone has come and taken everything I had left. I'd like to lie and say I'm happy and excited about Christmas...But I'm not. I don't do well with holidays. Don't have any good memories of any either. People tell me it's time to start making them. As that is all good and true....I'm not sure how to go about doing that. How do you make new "good" memories when you have no one to make them with?? My Christmas' are spent at home, by myself.....watching T. V. hoping to only catch the news and not some holiday movie where a family lovingly celebrates Christmas. I want to be full of joy. I know they say you are as happy as you want to be. I want to be. I long to be....but am not. People want me to talk about my feelings...but they don't want to take the time to listen. Christmas to me...well....it is about Jesus. But...I do have to ask Him why I feel alone. Why??? I don't want to go to my family...that will only bring back bad memories...memories of hurts I don't want to relive. Memories of abuse...sexual, physical, emotional, and verbal. Memories of being mocked...made fun of...compared to.......left behind. I want so badly to start my own traditions....and my own memories...but I have no where to start. No one to share them with. My heart aches as I sit here and type this out. My heart is broken. I have waterfalls falling from my eyes. I can wear a mask pretty well and make everyone believe everything is alright....deep down inside my soul though....I know they're not. I won't talk about feelings....it only turns people away. It's not what they want to hear. It's not what I want to hear...but if someone needed someone to talk to...I'm all ears. I've had temptations and thoughts of suicide today. I know that's not Godly...or the Christian thing to do. Maybe...just maybe I don't "really" have God in my heart. If I did I probably wouldn't feel this lonely and hurt. I wouldn't be so broken inside. I truly wonder why I've been put on this earth. To be betrayed by the very parents who brought me here....to be alone and without friends....To be abused by my own father. I sometimes still have a hard time trusting God as myfather. Maybe that's my problem. I need to get over myself!!!! I NEED TO STOP THINKING ABOUT ME!!!!!!!! I NEED TO ONLY THINK ABOUT OTHERS!!!!!!!! I NEED TO TRUST!!!!!! BUT WHO????? I COULDN'T EVEN TRUST MY DAD....NOR MY MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW DO YOU TRUST???? I WANT TO BE HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TRULY HAPPY!!! NOT JUST THE HALFWAY HAPPY THAT I'VE BEEN FOR SO LONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LORD.....PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I NEED YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!! I NEED YOU TO FILL THE EMPTINESS WITHIN ME!!!!! I WANT TO FEEL YOUR TOUCH TO KNOW YOU'RE THERE!!!!!! REMIND ME LORD!!!! REMIND ME OF WHO YOU ARE. PLEASE...........I CAN'T GO ON LIKE THIS ANYMORE!!!!!! I'M ON MY KNEES......PLEASE LORD.....I WANT TO SEE YOU!!!!!!!!!! I'M SORRY I HAVE DISAPPOINTED YOU!!!! I'M NOT WORTHY OF YOUR LOVE LORD BUT I HOPE YOU'LL GIVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE. A CHANCE TO MAKE IT RIGHT!!! A CHANCE TO START AGAIN!!!!! LORD.......I NEED YOU.........................................I NEED YOU!

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